Today is Mental Health Awareness Day

Today, I will share my truth. I am plagued by depression. Depression doesn’t have me, but depression does fight with me.

It fights with me to stay in bed and not start the day.

It fights with me to not be positive and bring light to the world.

It fights with me to not go out shopping.

It fights with me to not go visit my grandbabies.

It fights with me to not go out and play with the dog.

Know this:

I WILL get out of bed and start my day!

I WILL continue to be positive and try to bring a light to the world.

I WILL go shopping when I need to (Yup, today).

I WILL continue to go visit my grandbabies to enjoy their beautiful light and love.

I WILL go outside and enjoy the sun and play with Teddy.

Depression may plague me, but, *I* will define me!

Amazing Life

Feeling incredibly blessed. I have a loving family. Wonderful friends. An amazing man. And everything is going right with my world.

But know that when you fight depression and anxiety it’s an every day battle. Some days are amazing while others can be so hard to even crawl out of bed.

I’m very happy that I have so much in my life that makes me want to get up and join this amazing world every day. It definitely wasn’t always that way.

A very important show!

I haven’t been posting lately. This episode of Chaos and Kindness reminded me of my blog and all of you! I’ll be back and picking up again soon.

First, if you get a chance please watch the 5 October 2018 episode of Chaos and Kindness on WMUR in NH. Jason from Recycled Percussion does an awesome job shining a light on the important topic of Mental Illness.

You are NOT alone in this! So many people that you’d never guess are or have been fighting this! See you soon!

Chaos and Kindness link for 05October2018

Making a painful day a good day…

Woke up this morning with my back out of whack. I’ve had so many times when this would have me grumbling and pouting and being mad at the world. My depression on these days was horrid. So glad I’m not in that place any more. Got up this morning and made the decision to make the day work anyway. I chose to feel good about the day even with the pain. Even in depression you have the choice to try to feel even a little better or to dwell in the pain. I choose better.

I did have a big smile that the universe also decided to show me I was on the right path. One of my favorite podcasts and coaches sent out an email about this very subject.

Turning around a bad day

I smiled as I knew it was meant for me to share with all of you. If you haven’t heard of them check it out. These ladies are awesome and will make you laugh and learn.

Hope you have a blessed day! What do you do to turn a bad day around? Leave me a comment below.

My pic is what I decided to do. I play with my puppy. He makes everyday wonderful.

Abuse is never ok and not always visible…

I mentioned a couple posts ago about how I was so depressed I was in a ball every day at the same time. I didn’t know then that I was actually being abused. Abuse is not always physical or even something you can see. Sometimes it’s verbal. It’s the words that are shouted at you. When every word you hear behind closed doors tell you how awful you are. That you’re an awful person. An awful mother. And so many swear words. That you’ll never go anywhere because of what will happen if you do. It’s hard. So hard. And you try to hide it from your family. Especially your children.

Please if you are going through this or know someone that is please reach out and get help. You can escape. It may not be easy. But you can live again. You can get your life back. Don’t let anyone take it out on you.

I’m proof that you can survive. I pray this post reaches the person that needs to hear/read this.

Looking back…

Sometimes you need to reflect on where you’ve been to see how far you’ve come. I’m sharing this story of one of the worst periods of my life to show you what can be overcome.

At the time I had found out some pretty terrible things were going on and I bottled it up inside me where even I couldn’t find it. This is the time just before I had those memories come back to me. I felt something was very very wrong but didn’t know for sure what it was. Psychologists will tell you that your mind is very good at protecting you from things that you can’t handle. Mine definitely did that.

Without knowing why, every day around 2-3pm I would start shaking uncontrollably. I’d be angry and sad and enraged and terrified all at once. I knew enough to tell my kids to go. Go outside to play or go to my friend’s house up the street. By the time 2:30 came around I was shaking so hard like the world was about to crumble at my feet and I didn’t know what was scaring me. Every single day for weeks this went on and every single day I would end up curled into a little ball (fetus position according to doctors) on a stool in my kitchen. And then my husband would come home from work.

He would ask where the kids were and I’d mumble an answer and slowly, ever so slowly I’d come out of the ball and do wife things like make dinner. I felt like a robot. I don’t even remember how I moved. But I knew I had to. I needed to take care of my babies. All I knew was I needed to keep them safe. Not sure why or how. I just did. And that’s what I did every day until the marriage ended.

I truly don’t know if this lasted 2 weeks or 3 months. I just know it happened every day like clockwork.

I’m here to say I’m alive. We made it through that time. It wasn’t easy it wasn’t fun and once my memory came back it was pretty close to hell on earth. But today we are alive and well and so so much better.

Sharing because you need to know. You need to know life can go on. Life can get better. And YOU are good enough. You will survive. And YOU can flourish in life. I’m so glad we escaped. Hang in there. And get someplace safe if this is you. Please call for help. You may not know why (I didn’t) but just get out and get help!

I ask the Lord to bless and protect each and every person that reads this. Please keep them safe.

Missing pieces…

First off, yesterday was an awesome birthday one of the best I’ve had in years. I think there are a few things that come into play.

  • My depression is mostly at bay for the first time in years
  • I had a wonderful call from my fiancé where he sang me Happy Birthday and O tried to sing with him
  • My grandson came over to spend the weekend (he always makes me smile)
  • A wonderful group of friends and family came over and surprised me with lunch out and my favorite carrot cake YUM!

There were definitely some missing puzzle pieces to the best possible day. My kids were all working or far away and my fiancé was many many miles away.

Here is hoping that next year is even better. All it’ll take is a few less miles and some time with my babies.

So thankful for the amazing day yesterday!

❤️❤️❤️

Happy birthday to us

Since my mother passed many years ago I have always wanted to ignore my birthday. You see I was her birthday present. So for me it just didn’t seem the same without her. And being in a deep depression for so long having our birthday seriously just made it so much worse as I miss her dearly even after all this time.

This year I’m in a much better place emotionally so I’m planning on it being a better day. I’m even planning things to do. I never wanted to do anything and always felt annoyed while thankful when others did something.

Tomorrow I’m spending the day with one of the most wonderful gifts the Lord has given me. My sweet grandson. And as an extra blessing we may get a visit from a few of our other favorite people.

It’s been a long time since I looked forward to my birthday. Here’s to us Mama and the blessing of sharing a birthday with two wonderful women! Yup 2! It’s also my father’s mother’s birthday. Miss you too Grandma. Here’s to enjoying the day and spending it having fun with my little buddy.

Have a wonderful day. Time to make new memories in honor of past wonderful memories. ❤️

Truth…

I was so excited to get off my meds for the first time in years. It seems that life and my body disagree with me that it was time. Instead of coming off completely I've been able to reduce them. That's still a huge step for me. And I am truly grateful that I have a supportive doctor that listens to me. I realized how awful I was feeling on my 'off' days and called them and said nope seems I'm not ready to be completely off them yet.

You definitely need to listen to your body when reducing medication even with doctor supervision. If I had just continued on even though I was sick and still feeling off/down emotionally I wouldn't be in the good place I am right now. So this post is to remind you AND me to listen to your body. It does know what it needs. Mine needs a little less antidepressants and my Thrive. I feel so great now. I love feeling energy and not feeling depressed. I truly forgot how this felt.

How are you feeling? What is helping you? Leave a comment. I'd love to hear from you. And want to know if my blog is helping you too.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Withdrawal Symptoms

Today's post was supposed to be a look back to one of my first memories of truly thinking I wanted to be done. But it seems someone had another plan. As I mentioned in an earlier post I'm in the process of coming off my medication, with doctor approval and assistance. But OMG! It totally SUCKS!

I'm glad I had pre-written my post for Tuesday as I was so sick. Sick to my stomach all day. I seriously slept most of the day. Between that and dry heaves. I am/was following doctors orders on how to come off my meds as we both agreed that I'm able to now. The problem is that I'm on such a high dose of an extended release med that my system was NOT happy that it was missing! Sick to my stomach, felt like an allergy flare up (in August?) and just feeling overall lousy! I was so hoping it would only take a few days but no. It's going to take much longer to get off these meds. Not because I need them but because my body is used to them and wants them. So back to every other day for now. At least I wasn't sick with that.

Moral of the story: when it's time to change your medication after 20 years don't expect it to happen quickly. Especially if you were on something strong. So glad to know I'll feel better tomorrow when I wake up.

Weirdest part: feeling mentally/emotionally great while at the same time your body says HELL NO! Give it BACK! 😷

Take care and know that we can and WILL survive depression! There's a reason you're here and you ain't done yet!