I haven’t been posting lately. This episode of Chaos and Kindness reminded me of my blog and all of you! I’ll be back and picking up again soon.
First, if you get a chance please watch the 5 October 2018 episode of Chaos and Kindness on WMUR in NH. Jason from Recycled Percussion does an awesome job shining a light on the important topic of Mental Illness.
You are NOT alone in this! So many people that you’d never guess are or have been fighting this! See you soon!
I mentioned a couple posts ago about how I was so depressed I was in a ball every day at the same time. I didn’t know then that I was actually being abused. Abuse is not always physical or even something you can see. Sometimes it’s verbal. It’s the words that are shouted at you. When every word you hear behind closed doors tell you how awful you are. That you’re an awful person. An awful mother. And so many swear words. That you’ll never go anywhere because of what will happen if you do. It’s hard. So hard. And you try to hide it from your family. Especially your children.
Please if you are going through this or know someone that is please reach out and get help. You can escape. It may not be easy. But you can live again. You can get your life back. Don’t let anyone take it out on you.
I’m proof that you can survive. I pray this post reaches the person that needs to hear/read this.
Sometimes you need to reflect on where you’ve been to see how far you’ve come. I’m sharing this story of one of the worst periods of my life to show you what can be overcome.
At the time I had found out some pretty terrible things were going on and I bottled it up inside me where even I couldn’t find it. This is the time just before I had those memories come back to me. I felt something was very very wrong but didn’t know for sure what it was. Psychologists will tell you that your mind is very good at protecting you from things that you can’t handle. Mine definitely did that.
Without knowing why, every day around 2-3pm I would start shaking uncontrollably. I’d be angry and sad and enraged and terrified all at once. I knew enough to tell my kids to go. Go outside to play or go to my friend’s house up the street. By the time 2:30 came around I was shaking so hard like the world was about to crumble at my feet and I didn’t know what was scaring me. Every single day for weeks this went on and every single day I would end up curled into a little ball (fetus position according to doctors) on a stool in my kitchen. And then my husband would come home from work.
He would ask where the kids were and I’d mumble an answer and slowly, ever so slowly I’d come out of the ball and do wife things like make dinner. I felt like a robot. I don’t even remember how I moved. But I knew I had to. I needed to take care of my babies. All I knew was I needed to keep them safe. Not sure why or how. I just did. And that’s what I did every day until the marriage ended.
I truly don’t know if this lasted 2 weeks or 3 months. I just know it happened every day like clockwork.
I’m here to say I’m alive. We made it through that time. It wasn’t easy it wasn’t fun and once my memory came back it was pretty close to hell on earth. But today we are alive and well and so so much better.
Sharing because you need to know. You need to know life can go on. Life can get better. And YOU are good enough. You will survive. And YOU can flourish in life. I’m so glad we escaped. Hang in there. And get someplace safe if this is you. Please call for help. You may not know why (I didn’t) but just get out and get help!
I ask the Lord to bless and protect each and every person that reads this. Please keep them safe.
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