Depression and Cleanliness

Do you have a depressed friend that can never seem to get their house clean? Always dishes in the sink or the floor really needing to be vacuumed? Thinking back to my absolute worst days I can see my houses at those times and I just cringe at the sight. Clothes everywhere rather than in the basket. Dishes in the sink. And vacuum? You’ve got to be kidding.

Know that even if your friend doesn’t know they are depressed you are probably seeing someone that is having a really rough time. I had so many times where my house became the first visible sign of how bad my depression had gotten. I remember my mother saying ‘a messy house is a sign of a messy mind’ and she was usually right. How could I possibly wrap my head around cleaning my house when I couldn’t wrap my head around clearing the clutter in my mind?

Some opposites happened as well. A couple times I was smart enough to help someone else out financially while I dealt with the depression rather than making the depression worse by trying to clean or organize. On the other hand there were times where a specific thing would be neat and organized to the nth degree. I was told once by a psychologist that it was because it made me feel better to be able to control that one thing.

If you have a friend or family member going through this don’t JUDGE them, help them. Find out what’s wrong and how you can help pull them OUT of the depression even a little bit. Anything could help.

Yeah, I still see days when stuff builds up but nothing like I have before. And man am I glad I recognize it for what it is when it starts. If this is you. Just tackle it once piece at a time. Don’t get overwhelmed and take care of you! Ask for help if you need it.

Depression and memory loss…

Ever notice how your depressed friend seems to forget stuff? I didn’t realize when it was happening how bad the memory loss was. Looking back at my worst periods of depression I see it now.

I’d get those calls and messages from friends ‘hey did you forget to send me that info?’ Or ‘hey did you ship that thing?’ Or even ‘umm did you forget you were coming over?’ And yes I’d forget everything! Can you imagine how horrible that makes you feel when you were doing something nice for someone and a few weeks later they ask if you sent it only to realize ‘oh crap! I forgot again!’

If I ‘forgot’ about you in the past just know it wasn’t about you! It wasn’t that I didn’t care. It’s simply a horrible symptom of depression. And the more depressed you are the worse the memory loss can be! Of course, the more you realize that you forgot the worse you feel about forgetting and that causes you to beat yourself up even more making you more depressed. It’s a horrible and painful cycle.

If your there forgive yourself. If your friend is there forgive them! It’s not their fault! And if your there look for tools to help. To do lists do wonders. But don’t over do them either. They can be overwhelming for you if your depressed and can’t seem to get through them. Break stuff down into little parts and do what you can when you can. Every accomplishment helps! Even the tiny ones.

Hang in there. Your loved and I hope this helps you know you are NOT alone!

Rainy days…

It’s such a rainy day today here in NH it reminded me of how down I would feel whenever it was raining. I swear the rain enhances depression. When I was depressed and it was a rainy day it was so incredibly hard to get out of bed. Days like today would be a day of just wanting to stay in bed and cry. Know if this is you today you aren’t alone. There are so many people silently dealing with depression.

I’m glad today isn’t that type of day for me today. I’m planning on doing some cleaning and organizing today. Actually continue what I started last night. If you know someone that is depressed during this rainy day reach out to them. Check in on them and see how they are doing. Know that rainy days are hard. For those dealing with depression know you don’t have to deal with this alone. Please reach out to a friend. Or just reach out and say hi. People care. They really do. You’ll never know until you reach out for help.

I pray this touches the heart of someone that needs it today. Thinking of each and every one of you. Have a blessed rainy Sunday.

Abuse is never ok and not always visible…

I mentioned a couple posts ago about how I was so depressed I was in a ball every day at the same time. I didn’t know then that I was actually being abused. Abuse is not always physical or even something you can see. Sometimes it’s verbal. It’s the words that are shouted at you. When every word you hear behind closed doors tell you how awful you are. That you’re an awful person. An awful mother. And so many swear words. That you’ll never go anywhere because of what will happen if you do. It’s hard. So hard. And you try to hide it from your family. Especially your children.

Please if you are going through this or know someone that is please reach out and get help. You can escape. It may not be easy. But you can live again. You can get your life back. Don’t let anyone take it out on you.

I’m proof that you can survive. I pray this post reaches the person that needs to hear/read this.

Looking back…

Sometimes you need to reflect on where you’ve been to see how far you’ve come. I’m sharing this story of one of the worst periods of my life to show you what can be overcome.

At the time I had found out some pretty terrible things were going on and I bottled it up inside me where even I couldn’t find it. This is the time just before I had those memories come back to me. I felt something was very very wrong but didn’t know for sure what it was. Psychologists will tell you that your mind is very good at protecting you from things that you can’t handle. Mine definitely did that.

Without knowing why, every day around 2-3pm I would start shaking uncontrollably. I’d be angry and sad and enraged and terrified all at once. I knew enough to tell my kids to go. Go outside to play or go to my friend’s house up the street. By the time 2:30 came around I was shaking so hard like the world was about to crumble at my feet and I didn’t know what was scaring me. Every single day for weeks this went on and every single day I would end up curled into a little ball (fetus position according to doctors) on a stool in my kitchen. And then my husband would come home from work.

He would ask where the kids were and I’d mumble an answer and slowly, ever so slowly I’d come out of the ball and do wife things like make dinner. I felt like a robot. I don’t even remember how I moved. But I knew I had to. I needed to take care of my babies. All I knew was I needed to keep them safe. Not sure why or how. I just did. And that’s what I did every day until the marriage ended.

I truly don’t know if this lasted 2 weeks or 3 months. I just know it happened every day like clockwork.

I’m here to say I’m alive. We made it through that time. It wasn’t easy it wasn’t fun and once my memory came back it was pretty close to hell on earth. But today we are alive and well and so so much better.

Sharing because you need to know. You need to know life can go on. Life can get better. And YOU are good enough. You will survive. And YOU can flourish in life. I’m so glad we escaped. Hang in there. And get someplace safe if this is you. Please call for help. You may not know why (I didn’t) but just get out and get help!

I ask the Lord to bless and protect each and every person that reads this. Please keep them safe.

Happy birthday to us

Since my mother passed many years ago I have always wanted to ignore my birthday. You see I was her birthday present. So for me it just didn’t seem the same without her. And being in a deep depression for so long having our birthday seriously just made it so much worse as I miss her dearly even after all this time.

This year I’m in a much better place emotionally so I’m planning on it being a better day. I’m even planning things to do. I never wanted to do anything and always felt annoyed while thankful when others did something.

Tomorrow I’m spending the day with one of the most wonderful gifts the Lord has given me. My sweet grandson. And as an extra blessing we may get a visit from a few of our other favorite people.

It’s been a long time since I looked forward to my birthday. Here’s to us Mama and the blessing of sharing a birthday with two wonderful women! Yup 2! It’s also my father’s mother’s birthday. Miss you too Grandma. Here’s to enjoying the day and spending it having fun with my little buddy.

Have a wonderful day. Time to make new memories in honor of past wonderful memories. ❤️