Someday… maybe…

I’ll feel better.

I’ll wake up like everyone else and get out of bed and not feel like I need another hour of sleep.

I’ll lose weight and not starve in the process.

Maybe, just maybe,

I’ll be able to eat normal foods.

Went to a new doctor this year. She seems to notice all the different pieces and is looking at how they fit together. If she’s right and all of this junk has ONE or even TWO underlying causes I’ll be happy to work on fixing it. We shall see. But today, today is another day or not being able to wake up normal. Another day of not having the thrive to move. Another day of, can I just sleep til it’s over? Another day where no one understands that you just don’t feel good. That nothing is working.

Another day… some day… I will thrive and feel better!

Signs you may not notice…

So, you’ve noticed that your friend only seems to do stuff with one or two other people and you wonder why. Everything you see on Facebook is so upbeat and positive. They must be doing awesome, right?

Truth, no! Just because everything looks great from the outside does NOT mean everything is wonderful on the inside. If you checked you’d find that the reason they only seem to do things with one or two people is because they check in on them and convince them to get out of the house. Even if it’s just to go visit. Maybe, they don’t post on Facebook except to post good things because they don’t share the negative. Maybe, just maybe, they just don’t want the world to know how down they really are. Maybe they try really really hard to stay positive and just sometimes find that really hard to do.

Don’t assume you’re being ignored if they don’t reach out. Don’t assume they don’t want to spend time with you. Just check in. Check to see if maybe they are fighting a real depression that takes control when they just can’t take it any more. If this is you or your friend or family member, remember everyone may need help at some point. You aren’t alone. Depression can hit anyone.

Today is Mental Health Awareness Day

Today, I will share my truth. I am plagued by depression. Depression doesn’t have me, but depression does fight with me.

It fights with me to stay in bed and not start the day.

It fights with me to not be positive and bring light to the world.

It fights with me to not go out shopping.

It fights with me to not go visit my grandbabies.

It fights with me to not go out and play with the dog.

Know this:

I WILL get out of bed and start my day!

I WILL continue to be positive and try to bring a light to the world.

I WILL go shopping when I need to (Yup, today).

I WILL continue to go visit my grandbabies to enjoy their beautiful light and love.

I WILL go outside and enjoy the sun and play with Teddy.

Depression may plague me, but, *I* will define me!

Amazing Life

Feeling incredibly blessed. I have a loving family. Wonderful friends. An amazing man. And everything is going right with my world.

But know that when you fight depression and anxiety it’s an every day battle. Some days are amazing while others can be so hard to even crawl out of bed.

I’m very happy that I have so much in my life that makes me want to get up and join this amazing world every day. It definitely wasn’t always that way.

A very important show!

I haven’t been posting lately. This episode of Chaos and Kindness reminded me of my blog and all of you! I’ll be back and picking up again soon.

First, if you get a chance please watch the 5 October 2018 episode of Chaos and Kindness on WMUR in NH. Jason from Recycled Percussion does an awesome job shining a light on the important topic of Mental Illness.

You are NOT alone in this! So many people that you’d never guess are or have been fighting this! See you soon!

Chaos and Kindness link for 05October2018

Depression and Cleanliness

Do you have a depressed friend that can never seem to get their house clean? Always dishes in the sink or the floor really needing to be vacuumed? Thinking back to my absolute worst days I can see my houses at those times and I just cringe at the sight. Clothes everywhere rather than in the basket. Dishes in the sink. And vacuum? You’ve got to be kidding.

Know that even if your friend doesn’t know they are depressed you are probably seeing someone that is having a really rough time. I had so many times where my house became the first visible sign of how bad my depression had gotten. I remember my mother saying ‘a messy house is a sign of a messy mind’ and she was usually right. How could I possibly wrap my head around cleaning my house when I couldn’t wrap my head around clearing the clutter in my mind?

Some opposites happened as well. A couple times I was smart enough to help someone else out financially while I dealt with the depression rather than making the depression worse by trying to clean or organize. On the other hand there were times where a specific thing would be neat and organized to the nth degree. I was told once by a psychologist that it was because it made me feel better to be able to control that one thing.

If you have a friend or family member going through this don’t JUDGE them, help them. Find out what’s wrong and how you can help pull them OUT of the depression even a little bit. Anything could help.

Yeah, I still see days when stuff builds up but nothing like I have before. And man am I glad I recognize it for what it is when it starts. If this is you. Just tackle it once piece at a time. Don’t get overwhelmed and take care of you! Ask for help if you need it.

Where you been?

You may have noticed that I haven’t been around for a while. A lot was going on and I just couldn’t write. Not that I didn’t have the time to write. I just couldn’t push myself to post.

I’ve had both the most amazing days as well as a couple really awful days while I was away. The love of my life has been here and I’m enjoying the time we get to spend together. Unfortunately, it’s coming to an end and he will be headed home soon. It’s hard but until things are worked out we still have two homes. I sure can’t wait for the day that ends and we are all together.

Had a sudden career change recently. I don’t miss the drive. But, I definitely miss my friends at work and the customers. Strange how connected you get to the customers when you work with them regularly. Many have become friends. I hope one day to reconnect. Some I already have, I’m very thankful for that.

Now, it’s time to reflect and see what is next for me. I’ve been thinking about different possibilities a lot lately. Time to get out my scripting and start writing to find that perfect fit. Here’s hoping it comes quickly.

Depression and memory loss…

Ever notice how your depressed friend seems to forget stuff? I didn’t realize when it was happening how bad the memory loss was. Looking back at my worst periods of depression I see it now.

I’d get those calls and messages from friends ‘hey did you forget to send me that info?’ Or ‘hey did you ship that thing?’ Or even ‘umm did you forget you were coming over?’ And yes I’d forget everything! Can you imagine how horrible that makes you feel when you were doing something nice for someone and a few weeks later they ask if you sent it only to realize ‘oh crap! I forgot again!’

If I ‘forgot’ about you in the past just know it wasn’t about you! It wasn’t that I didn’t care. It’s simply a horrible symptom of depression. And the more depressed you are the worse the memory loss can be! Of course, the more you realize that you forgot the worse you feel about forgetting and that causes you to beat yourself up even more making you more depressed. It’s a horrible and painful cycle.

If your there forgive yourself. If your friend is there forgive them! It’s not their fault! And if your there look for tools to help. To do lists do wonders. But don’t over do them either. They can be overwhelming for you if your depressed and can’t seem to get through them. Break stuff down into little parts and do what you can when you can. Every accomplishment helps! Even the tiny ones.

Hang in there. Your loved and I hope this helps you know you are NOT alone!

Busy bee…

I’ve been a bit absent here lately, for that I apologize. There is a lot going on in my world. I’m excited to start planning our weddings. (Yes, multiple as we are a multi-continent couple.) It’s interesting how quiet times can be either sad because I miss him so much or hectic because I’m so busy thinking about everything that needs to get done.

I hope this finds you happily active today and that you’re finding time to enjoy life not dwell on it. Take care and God Bless.