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Welcome! What’s with the new blog?

Hi there. I'm glad you found my new blog. A lot has happened in my life over the last few years and a big part of it I never talk about. This blog is my stepping outside of the past and talking about the part of me that I've hid from all but my closest friends for over a decade if not multiple decades.

I have been dealing with severe depression for MANY years now. I'm finally in a place where I can share. And maybe, just maybe, my experience will help someone out there realize that they can get help and it CAN get better! I'm living proof that you can survive depression and conquer it! You CAN live the life you were MEANT to live! Please, just know, you are NOT alone. That woman, child, husband, friend sitting beside you may very well be dealing with severe depression without you knowing it. If they are like me they try very very hard to hide it. They want the world to think everything is fine. Everything is wonderful. While, at the same time they feel like they are dying inside. They feel like the world would be better off without them. Guess what! If you're the one with those thoughts going on inside your head, the world WILL NOT be better off without you! I had those thoughts too. I was wrong. So are you. There is a reason you are here. You may not know what it is yet, but there is a reason.

Overtime I will use this blog to both update you on my progress and to discuss things that have happened in the past. Things that most people don't know about. Things that will help you understand me, the real me, the one surviving and thriving in life now. The one that has had so many bad days where another day was something I just couldn't think about. I'm so glad I made it past those days! Life is so much better on the other side of depression. You CAN win! Hop on the train with me and let's go Conquer this annoying thing called Depression and start Thriving in Life! Just as the sub-title says.

Subscribe/comment/bookmark, whatever makes you comfortable. My hope is to post 2-3 times each week. See you soon!

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Depression and Cleanliness

Do you have a depressed friend that can never seem to get their house clean? Always dishes in the sink or the floor really needing to be vacuumed? Thinking back to my absolute worst days I can see my houses at those times and I just cringe at the sight. Clothes everywhere rather than in the basket. Dishes in the sink. And vacuum? You’ve got to be kidding.

Know that even if your friend doesn’t know they are depressed you are probably seeing someone that is having a really rough time. I had so many times where my house became the first visible sign of how bad my depression had gotten. I remember my mother saying ‘a messy house is a sign of a messy mind’ and she was usually right. How could I possibly wrap my head around cleaning my house when I couldn’t wrap my head around clearing the clutter in my mind?

Some opposites happened as well. A couple times I was smart enough to help someone else out financially while I dealt with the depression rather than making the depression worse by trying to clean or organize. On the other hand there were times where a specific thing would be neat and organized to the nth degree. I was told once by a psychologist that it was because it made me feel better to be able to control that one thing.

If you have a friend or family member going through this don’t JUDGE them, help them. Find out what’s wrong and how you can help pull them OUT of the depression even a little bit. Anything could help.

Yeah, I still see days when stuff builds up but nothing like I have before. And man am I glad I recognize it for what it is when it starts. If this is you. Just tackle it once piece at a time. Don’t get overwhelmed and take care of you! Ask for help if you need it.

Where you been?

You may have noticed that I haven’t been around for a while. A lot was going on and I just couldn’t write. Not that I didn’t have the time to write. I just couldn’t push myself to post.

I’ve had both the most amazing days as well as a couple really awful days while I was away. The love of my life has been here and I’m enjoying the time we get to spend together. Unfortunately, it’s coming to an end and he will be headed home soon. It’s hard but until things are worked out we still have two homes. I sure can’t wait for the day that ends and we are all together.

Had a sudden career change recently. I don’t miss the drive. But, I definitely miss my friends at work and the customers. Strange how connected you get to the customers when you work with them regularly. Many have become friends. I hope one day to reconnect. Some I already have, I’m very thankful for that.

Now, it’s time to reflect and see what is next for me. I’ve been thinking about different possibilities a lot lately. Time to get out my scripting and start writing to find that perfect fit. Here’s hoping it comes quickly.

Depression and memory loss…

Ever notice how your depressed friend seems to forget stuff? I didn’t realize when it was happening how bad the memory loss was. Looking back at my worst periods of depression I see it now.

I’d get those calls and messages from friends ‘hey did you forget to send me that info?’ Or ‘hey did you ship that thing?’ Or even ‘umm did you forget you were coming over?’ And yes I’d forget everything! Can you imagine how horrible that makes you feel when you were doing something nice for someone and a few weeks later they ask if you sent it only to realize ‘oh crap! I forgot again!’

If I ‘forgot’ about you in the past just know it wasn’t about you! It wasn’t that I didn’t care. It’s simply a horrible symptom of depression. And the more depressed you are the worse the memory loss can be! Of course, the more you realize that you forgot the worse you feel about forgetting and that causes you to beat yourself up even more making you more depressed. It’s a horrible and painful cycle.

If your there forgive yourself. If your friend is there forgive them! It’s not their fault! And if your there look for tools to help. To do lists do wonders. But don’t over do them either. They can be overwhelming for you if your depressed and can’t seem to get through them. Break stuff down into little parts and do what you can when you can. Every accomplishment helps! Even the tiny ones.

Hang in there. Your loved and I hope this helps you know you are NOT alone!

Busy bee…

I’ve been a bit absent here lately, for that I apologize. There is a lot going on in my world. I’m excited to start planning our weddings. (Yes, multiple as we are a multi-continent couple.) It’s interesting how quiet times can be either sad because I miss him so much or hectic because I’m so busy thinking about everything that needs to get done.

I hope this finds you happily active today and that you’re finding time to enjoy life not dwell on it. Take care and God Bless.

Making a painful day a good day…

Woke up this morning with my back out of whack. I’ve had so many times when this would have me grumbling and pouting and being mad at the world. My depression on these days was horrid. So glad I’m not in that place any more. Got up this morning and made the decision to make the day work anyway. I chose to feel good about the day even with the pain. Even in depression you have the choice to try to feel even a little better or to dwell in the pain. I choose better.

I did have a big smile that the universe also decided to show me I was on the right path. One of my favorite podcasts and coaches sent out an email about this very subject.

Turning around a bad day

I smiled as I knew it was meant for me to share with all of you. If you haven’t heard of them check it out. These ladies are awesome and will make you laugh and learn.

Hope you have a blessed day! What do you do to turn a bad day around? Leave me a comment below.

My pic is what I decided to do. I play with my puppy. He makes everyday wonderful.

Rainy days…

It’s such a rainy day today here in NH it reminded me of how down I would feel whenever it was raining. I swear the rain enhances depression. When I was depressed and it was a rainy day it was so incredibly hard to get out of bed. Days like today would be a day of just wanting to stay in bed and cry. Know if this is you today you aren’t alone. There are so many people silently dealing with depression.

I’m glad today isn’t that type of day for me today. I’m planning on doing some cleaning and organizing today. Actually continue what I started last night. If you know someone that is depressed during this rainy day reach out to them. Check in on them and see how they are doing. Know that rainy days are hard. For those dealing with depression know you don’t have to deal with this alone. Please reach out to a friend. Or just reach out and say hi. People care. They really do. You’ll never know until you reach out for help.

I pray this touches the heart of someone that needs it today. Thinking of each and every one of you. Have a blessed rainy Sunday.

Abuse is never ok and not always visible…

I mentioned a couple posts ago about how I was so depressed I was in a ball every day at the same time. I didn’t know then that I was actually being abused. Abuse is not always physical or even something you can see. Sometimes it’s verbal. It’s the words that are shouted at you. When every word you hear behind closed doors tell you how awful you are. That you’re an awful person. An awful mother. And so many swear words. That you’ll never go anywhere because of what will happen if you do. It’s hard. So hard. And you try to hide it from your family. Especially your children.

Please if you are going through this or know someone that is please reach out and get help. You can escape. It may not be easy. But you can live again. You can get your life back. Don’t let anyone take it out on you.

I’m proof that you can survive. I pray this post reaches the person that needs to hear/read this.