Rainy days…

It’s such a rainy day today here in NH it reminded me of how down I would feel whenever it was raining. I swear the rain enhances depression. When I was depressed and it was a rainy day it was so incredibly hard to get out of bed. Days like today would be a day of just wanting to stay in bed and cry. Know if this is you today you aren’t alone. There are so many people silently dealing with depression.

I’m glad today isn’t that type of day for me today. I’m planning on doing some cleaning and organizing today. Actually continue what I started last night. If you know someone that is depressed during this rainy day reach out to them. Check in on them and see how they are doing. Know that rainy days are hard. For those dealing with depression know you don’t have to deal with this alone. Please reach out to a friend. Or just reach out and say hi. People care. They really do. You’ll never know until you reach out for help.

I pray this touches the heart of someone that needs it today. Thinking of each and every one of you. Have a blessed rainy Sunday.

Abuse is never ok and not always visible…

I mentioned a couple posts ago about how I was so depressed I was in a ball every day at the same time. I didn’t know then that I was actually being abused. Abuse is not always physical or even something you can see. Sometimes it’s verbal. It’s the words that are shouted at you. When every word you hear behind closed doors tell you how awful you are. That you’re an awful person. An awful mother. And so many swear words. That you’ll never go anywhere because of what will happen if you do. It’s hard. So hard. And you try to hide it from your family. Especially your children.

Please if you are going through this or know someone that is please reach out and get help. You can escape. It may not be easy. But you can live again. You can get your life back. Don’t let anyone take it out on you.

I’m proof that you can survive. I pray this post reaches the person that needs to hear/read this.

Looking back…

Sometimes you need to reflect on where you’ve been to see how far you’ve come. I’m sharing this story of one of the worst periods of my life to show you what can be overcome.

At the time I had found out some pretty terrible things were going on and I bottled it up inside me where even I couldn’t find it. This is the time just before I had those memories come back to me. I felt something was very very wrong but didn’t know for sure what it was. Psychologists will tell you that your mind is very good at protecting you from things that you can’t handle. Mine definitely did that.

Without knowing why, every day around 2-3pm I would start shaking uncontrollably. I’d be angry and sad and enraged and terrified all at once. I knew enough to tell my kids to go. Go outside to play or go to my friend’s house up the street. By the time 2:30 came around I was shaking so hard like the world was about to crumble at my feet and I didn’t know what was scaring me. Every single day for weeks this went on and every single day I would end up curled into a little ball (fetus position according to doctors) on a stool in my kitchen. And then my husband would come home from work.

He would ask where the kids were and I’d mumble an answer and slowly, ever so slowly I’d come out of the ball and do wife things like make dinner. I felt like a robot. I don’t even remember how I moved. But I knew I had to. I needed to take care of my babies. All I knew was I needed to keep them safe. Not sure why or how. I just did. And that’s what I did every day until the marriage ended.

I truly don’t know if this lasted 2 weeks or 3 months. I just know it happened every day like clockwork.

I’m here to say I’m alive. We made it through that time. It wasn’t easy it wasn’t fun and once my memory came back it was pretty close to hell on earth. But today we are alive and well and so so much better.

Sharing because you need to know. You need to know life can go on. Life can get better. And YOU are good enough. You will survive. And YOU can flourish in life. I’m so glad we escaped. Hang in there. And get someplace safe if this is you. Please call for help. You may not know why (I didn’t) but just get out and get help!

I ask the Lord to bless and protect each and every person that reads this. Please keep them safe.

Happy birthday to us

Since my mother passed many years ago I have always wanted to ignore my birthday. You see I was her birthday present. So for me it just didn’t seem the same without her. And being in a deep depression for so long having our birthday seriously just made it so much worse as I miss her dearly even after all this time.

This year I’m in a much better place emotionally so I’m planning on it being a better day. I’m even planning things to do. I never wanted to do anything and always felt annoyed while thankful when others did something.

Tomorrow I’m spending the day with one of the most wonderful gifts the Lord has given me. My sweet grandson. And as an extra blessing we may get a visit from a few of our other favorite people.

It’s been a long time since I looked forward to my birthday. Here’s to us Mama and the blessing of sharing a birthday with two wonderful women! Yup 2! It’s also my father’s mother’s birthday. Miss you too Grandma. Here’s to enjoying the day and spending it having fun with my little buddy.

Have a wonderful day. Time to make new memories in honor of past wonderful memories. ❤️

Some days…

Some days you just wake up and really wonder if there is a 'wrong side of the bed'. This morning I swear I found one! Every little thing went wrong! I was so frustrated and upset that I couldn't decide if I wanted to scream or cry. Pretty sure if another bad thing happened this morning I could have snapped.

I'm really not sure what happened. Just wake from a dream of saving the world from nazi aliens (don't ask me how I could tell but that's what they were… yes WEIRD!) and started my day with just one thing after another going bad. The short list: order got screwed up that was supposed to run overnight, water heater decided not to work (turned out it had an error message so easy fix thankfully), made a pit stop that should take 5 minutes and instead it took 20, forgot the salsa to go with my lunch, need I go on?

Just so glad that things did get better. I try to be pretty positive, but today really pushed me to the limit. Been there? Hang in there. It can and will get better.

Note to Self: reread this the next time you have one of those days!

Noticeable difference…

Today I went to a birthday party for a sweet little girl that I've loved dearly since the day she was born. The interesting part of today was the realization to myself at how different I felt while at the party. Her party has been in this same place many times. She loves it there! But the difference wasn't just the age of the sweet little girl, she's growing up way too fast, the difference was I felt great being there!

So in the past I went because I love going and spending time with family and friends for the party. No doubt about that. But at the same time I was in such a deep depression that it took everything in me to make it through the day! If you've ever been depressed you know what I mean. It almost feels like you are walking through cement. You push and push and put on a happy face. You want to have fun your body is fighting you constantly.

Today was SO different! I had a blast! My heart was full of joy and happiness. I feel so blessed to finally be coming out of my depression!

This also reminded me of the fact that so many had tried to help me through these days. I really think I survived some of them only through their support and the joy in the little girls face. She definitely loves her auntie. And her auntie loves her too.

So blessed. You are too. Chin up. You can do it. We all can! My prayer is that some day you have a day of realization like I had today when you truly feel the happiness of yourself and the ones around you. You can and you will. Have faith.

Truth…

I was so excited to get off my meds for the first time in years. It seems that life and my body disagree with me that it was time. Instead of coming off completely I've been able to reduce them. That's still a huge step for me. And I am truly grateful that I have a supportive doctor that listens to me. I realized how awful I was feeling on my 'off' days and called them and said nope seems I'm not ready to be completely off them yet.

You definitely need to listen to your body when reducing medication even with doctor supervision. If I had just continued on even though I was sick and still feeling off/down emotionally I wouldn't be in the good place I am right now. So this post is to remind you AND me to listen to your body. It does know what it needs. Mine needs a little less antidepressants and my Thrive. I feel so great now. I love feeling energy and not feeling depressed. I truly forgot how this felt.

How are you feeling? What is helping you? Leave a comment. I'd love to hear from you. And want to know if my blog is helping you too.

Have a wonderful weekend!