Looking back…

Sometimes you need to reflect on where you’ve been to see how far you’ve come. I’m sharing this story of one of the worst periods of my life to show you what can be overcome.

At the time I had found out some pretty terrible things were going on and I bottled it up inside me where even I couldn’t find it. This is the time just before I had those memories come back to me. I felt something was very very wrong but didn’t know for sure what it was. Psychologists will tell you that your mind is very good at protecting you from things that you can’t handle. Mine definitely did that.

Without knowing why, every day around 2-3pm I would start shaking uncontrollably. I’d be angry and sad and enraged and terrified all at once. I knew enough to tell my kids to go. Go outside to play or go to my friend’s house up the street. By the time 2:30 came around I was shaking so hard like the world was about to crumble at my feet and I didn’t know what was scaring me. Every single day for weeks this went on and every single day I would end up curled into a little ball (fetus position according to doctors) on a stool in my kitchen. And then my husband would come home from work.

He would ask where the kids were and I’d mumble an answer and slowly, ever so slowly I’d come out of the ball and do wife things like make dinner. I felt like a robot. I don’t even remember how I moved. But I knew I had to. I needed to take care of my babies. All I knew was I needed to keep them safe. Not sure why or how. I just did. And that’s what I did every day until the marriage ended.

I truly don’t know if this lasted 2 weeks or 3 months. I just know it happened every day like clockwork.

I’m here to say I’m alive. We made it through that time. It wasn’t easy it wasn’t fun and once my memory came back it was pretty close to hell on earth. But today we are alive and well and so so much better.

Sharing because you need to know. You need to know life can go on. Life can get better. And YOU are good enough. You will survive. And YOU can flourish in life. I’m so glad we escaped. Hang in there. And get someplace safe if this is you. Please call for help. You may not know why (I didn’t) but just get out and get help!

I ask the Lord to bless and protect each and every person that reads this. Please keep them safe.

Happy birthday to us

Since my mother passed many years ago I have always wanted to ignore my birthday. You see I was her birthday present. So for me it just didn’t seem the same without her. And being in a deep depression for so long having our birthday seriously just made it so much worse as I miss her dearly even after all this time.

This year I’m in a much better place emotionally so I’m planning on it being a better day. I’m even planning things to do. I never wanted to do anything and always felt annoyed while thankful when others did something.

Tomorrow I’m spending the day with one of the most wonderful gifts the Lord has given me. My sweet grandson. And as an extra blessing we may get a visit from a few of our other favorite people.

It’s been a long time since I looked forward to my birthday. Here’s to us Mama and the blessing of sharing a birthday with two wonderful women! Yup 2! It’s also my father’s mother’s birthday. Miss you too Grandma. Here’s to enjoying the day and spending it having fun with my little buddy.

Have a wonderful day. Time to make new memories in honor of past wonderful memories. ❤️

Some days…

Some days you just wake up and really wonder if there is a 'wrong side of the bed'. This morning I swear I found one! Every little thing went wrong! I was so frustrated and upset that I couldn't decide if I wanted to scream or cry. Pretty sure if another bad thing happened this morning I could have snapped.

I'm really not sure what happened. Just wake from a dream of saving the world from nazi aliens (don't ask me how I could tell but that's what they were… yes WEIRD!) and started my day with just one thing after another going bad. The short list: order got screwed up that was supposed to run overnight, water heater decided not to work (turned out it had an error message so easy fix thankfully), made a pit stop that should take 5 minutes and instead it took 20, forgot the salsa to go with my lunch, need I go on?

Just so glad that things did get better. I try to be pretty positive, but today really pushed me to the limit. Been there? Hang in there. It can and will get better.

Note to Self: reread this the next time you have one of those days!

Noticeable difference…

Today I went to a birthday party for a sweet little girl that I've loved dearly since the day she was born. The interesting part of today was the realization to myself at how different I felt while at the party. Her party has been in this same place many times. She loves it there! But the difference wasn't just the age of the sweet little girl, she's growing up way too fast, the difference was I felt great being there!

So in the past I went because I love going and spending time with family and friends for the party. No doubt about that. But at the same time I was in such a deep depression that it took everything in me to make it through the day! If you've ever been depressed you know what I mean. It almost feels like you are walking through cement. You push and push and put on a happy face. You want to have fun your body is fighting you constantly.

Today was SO different! I had a blast! My heart was full of joy and happiness. I feel so blessed to finally be coming out of my depression!

This also reminded me of the fact that so many had tried to help me through these days. I really think I survived some of them only through their support and the joy in the little girls face. She definitely loves her auntie. And her auntie loves her too.

So blessed. You are too. Chin up. You can do it. We all can! My prayer is that some day you have a day of realization like I had today when you truly feel the happiness of yourself and the ones around you. You can and you will. Have faith.

Truth…

I was so excited to get off my meds for the first time in years. It seems that life and my body disagree with me that it was time. Instead of coming off completely I've been able to reduce them. That's still a huge step for me. And I am truly grateful that I have a supportive doctor that listens to me. I realized how awful I was feeling on my 'off' days and called them and said nope seems I'm not ready to be completely off them yet.

You definitely need to listen to your body when reducing medication even with doctor supervision. If I had just continued on even though I was sick and still feeling off/down emotionally I wouldn't be in the good place I am right now. So this post is to remind you AND me to listen to your body. It does know what it needs. Mine needs a little less antidepressants and my Thrive. I feel so great now. I love feeling energy and not feeling depressed. I truly forgot how this felt.

How are you feeling? What is helping you? Leave a comment. I'd love to hear from you. And want to know if my blog is helping you too.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Positivity is Awesome but Difficult Sometimes

Many see me and see that I am a very positive happy person. I am, by choice, not because my life is perfect, not because everything is going wonderful, but because I CHOOSE to be positive and happy.

There were many years where I just thought that I'd never be happy again. Then one day I realized that no matter what is going on in life I can make it better. Sure, I've been depressed for years and years. But I decided a few years ago to do what I want and do what I enjoy. And smiling, even when I'm sad actually makes me feel better. Even just a little better could be huge when depression is kicking your butt. And yes it's hard to smile on those days. But smiling on the outside actually helps on the inside. You trick your body!

Don't believe me? Try it. Just for one day try smiling even when you don't want to. Smiling will help you notice the little things that do make you happy. Seeing those will make you want to smile more! And the more you appreciate those little things the more it'll help you feel happier. And just a little happier can be HUGE when you're depressed.

I hope you take a minute or a day to try it. Smile. It's contagious and makes people wonder what you're up to. 😃

Thankful for Unanswered Prayers

Many years ago I was in such a horrible place emotionally. We lived in a town next to the railroad tracks and this day I thought I just couldn't take it any more. I was in a horrible marriage with a man that wasn't the man I thought he was (he was actually worse than I knew at this point) and a drug addict (I didn't want to believe it) that was making it nearly impossible to pay our bills or keep our apartment. We had recently lost our house and cars and I just didn't think it was worth another day.

I walked along those railroad tracks praying for a train to come. It never came and I finally went back home to my babies. So glad that train never came. My babies needed me even more than I knew at the time. Please remember you aren't alone. We have all had horrible days that you may never know about. I've never told anyone, until now, how bad it was that day. How truly dead I felt.

So glad that God doesn't always answer prayers. Especially ones like this. Kiss those kids one more time and know that He is watching and is there even if he doesn't answer right away.

🙏🏻Praying that this reminds you that you are loved and that it touches your heart.🙏🏻

Withdrawal Symptoms

Today's post was supposed to be a look back to one of my first memories of truly thinking I wanted to be done. But it seems someone had another plan. As I mentioned in an earlier post I'm in the process of coming off my medication, with doctor approval and assistance. But OMG! It totally SUCKS!

I'm glad I had pre-written my post for Tuesday as I was so sick. Sick to my stomach all day. I seriously slept most of the day. Between that and dry heaves. I am/was following doctors orders on how to come off my meds as we both agreed that I'm able to now. The problem is that I'm on such a high dose of an extended release med that my system was NOT happy that it was missing! Sick to my stomach, felt like an allergy flare up (in August?) and just feeling overall lousy! I was so hoping it would only take a few days but no. It's going to take much longer to get off these meds. Not because I need them but because my body is used to them and wants them. So back to every other day for now. At least I wasn't sick with that.

Moral of the story: when it's time to change your medication after 20 years don't expect it to happen quickly. Especially if you were on something strong. So glad to know I'll feel better tomorrow when I wake up.

Weirdest part: feeling mentally/emotionally great while at the same time your body says HELL NO! Give it BACK! 😷

Take care and know that we can and WILL survive depression! There's a reason you're here and you ain't done yet!

Where I am Today…

Thank you all for stopping by and the many that have reached out via comments, email, texts, and facebook. Wow! You reminded me of why I chose to share my story with all of you! As it turns out, I was right! Most people had no idea that I had been dealing with depression for so long!

I have to really think about this, when did I first start taking anti-depressants? Just guessing, probably around 1995. So, 22 years ago (oops not 32)? Wow, I knew it seemed like forever.

So, here’s the best part, I’m doing so much better. Next week, for the first time, at least on purpose and with a doctor’s Ok, since starting taking them, I will officially be OFF anti-depressants! And, I’m happier and healthier than I have been in many years. Looking back, I know for a fact I wasn’t very happy in the early 90s. I was at the end of my 2nd marriage at that point.

I’m amazed and thankful for how I am physically feeling.

More energy, eating better, and just overall wellbeing! Love love love it!

Come back soon. I’m going to share a few of details from some of my worst days and how God, doctors, family, and friends have saved me emotionally and physically in the past.

Welcome! What’s with the new blog?

Hi there. I’m glad you found my new blog. A lot has happened in my life over the last few years and a big part of it I never talk about. This blog is my stepping outside of the past and talking about the part of me that I’ve hid from all but my closest friends for over a decade if not multiple decades.

I have been dealing with severe depression for MANY years now. I’m finally in a place where I can share. And maybe, just maybe, my experience will help someone out there realize that they can get help and it CAN get better! I’m living proof that you can survive depression and conquer it! You CAN live the life you were MEANT to live! Please, just know, you are NOT alone. That woman, child, husband, friend sitting beside you may very well be dealing with severe depression without you knowing it. If they are like me they try very very hard to hide it. They want the world to think everything is fine. Everything is wonderful. While, at the same time they feel like they are dying inside. They feel like the world would be better off without them. Guess what! If you’re the one with those thoughts going on inside your head, the world WILL NOT be better off without you! I had those thoughts too. I was wrong. So are you. There is a reason you are here. You may not know what it is yet, but there is a reason.

Overtime I will use this blog to both update you on my progress and to discuss things that have happened in the past. Things that most people don’t know about. Things that will help you understand me, the real me, the one surviving and thriving in life now. The one that has had so many bad days where another day was something I just couldn’t think about. I’m so glad I made it past those days! Life is so much better on the other side of depression. You CAN win! Hop on the train with me and let’s go Conquer this annoying thing called Depression and start Thriving in Life! Just as the sub-title says.

Subscribe/comment/bookmark, whatever makes you comfortable. My hope is to post 2-3 times each week. See you soon!

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Sunsetting depression and watching the sunrise each and every day with joy.