Hard days and nights come without much warning

Some days just get darker and darker as they go. From a great down down down down until it’s not just the gray but turning black. Then you realize that you have to find a way out before it sucks you permanently into the blackness. Usually this happens to me at night when nobody knows that I’m going into the deepest depths of my depression. When it seems like the world would be so much better off without you. I am thankful that I see it and know what it is. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be here today or many other days when the depression tried so hard to pull me into the darkness.

What do you do when this happens?

What I do is look for something or even someone (if it’s not 2am) that I know will pull me out. This could be music, a sound track from YouTube, or the sweet giggle of a grandchild. Last night it was something new, an ASMR track on YouTube. It was strange but slowly helped pull me back to the gray and lightened it as I went. I still couldn’t sleep. Yup first full sleep started at 5am. That doesn’t work so well. But at least I wasn’t stuck in the darkness.

Just remember that if you need help and can’t pull yourself out of that darkness reach out for help. Call a friend or relative or call one of the mental health hotlines.

Thankful I was able to pull myself back. So thankful.

Abuse is never ok and not always visible…

I mentioned a couple posts ago about how I was so depressed I was in a ball every day at the same time. I didn’t know then that I was actually being abused. Abuse is not always physical or even something you can see. Sometimes it’s verbal. It’s the words that are shouted at you. When every word you hear behind closed doors tell you how awful you are. That you’re an awful person. An awful mother. And so many swear words. That you’ll never go anywhere because of what will happen if you do. It’s hard. So hard. And you try to hide it from your family. Especially your children.

Please if you are going through this or know someone that is please reach out and get help. You can escape. It may not be easy. But you can live again. You can get your life back. Don’t let anyone take it out on you.

I’m proof that you can survive. I pray this post reaches the person that needs to hear/read this.

Withdrawal Symptoms

Today's post was supposed to be a look back to one of my first memories of truly thinking I wanted to be done. But it seems someone had another plan. As I mentioned in an earlier post I'm in the process of coming off my medication, with doctor approval and assistance. But OMG! It totally SUCKS!

I'm glad I had pre-written my post for Tuesday as I was so sick. Sick to my stomach all day. I seriously slept most of the day. Between that and dry heaves. I am/was following doctors orders on how to come off my meds as we both agreed that I'm able to now. The problem is that I'm on such a high dose of an extended release med that my system was NOT happy that it was missing! Sick to my stomach, felt like an allergy flare up (in August?) and just feeling overall lousy! I was so hoping it would only take a few days but no. It's going to take much longer to get off these meds. Not because I need them but because my body is used to them and wants them. So back to every other day for now. At least I wasn't sick with that.

Moral of the story: when it's time to change your medication after 20 years don't expect it to happen quickly. Especially if you were on something strong. So glad to know I'll feel better tomorrow when I wake up.

Weirdest part: feeling mentally/emotionally great while at the same time your body says HELL NO! Give it BACK! 😷

Take care and know that we can and WILL survive depression! There's a reason you're here and you ain't done yet!