Looking back…

Sometimes you need to reflect on where you’ve been to see how far you’ve come. I’m sharing this story of one of the worst periods of my life to show you what can be overcome.

At the time I had found out some pretty terrible things were going on and I bottled it up inside me where even I couldn’t find it. This is the time just before I had those memories come back to me. I felt something was very very wrong but didn’t know for sure what it was. Psychologists will tell you that your mind is very good at protecting you from things that you can’t handle. Mine definitely did that.

Without knowing why, every day around 2-3pm I would start shaking uncontrollably. I’d be angry and sad and enraged and terrified all at once. I knew enough to tell my kids to go. Go outside to play or go to my friend’s house up the street. By the time 2:30 came around I was shaking so hard like the world was about to crumble at my feet and I didn’t know what was scaring me. Every single day for weeks this went on and every single day I would end up curled into a little ball (fetus position according to doctors) on a stool in my kitchen. And then my husband would come home from work.

He would ask where the kids were and I’d mumble an answer and slowly, ever so slowly I’d come out of the ball and do wife things like make dinner. I felt like a robot. I don’t even remember how I moved. But I knew I had to. I needed to take care of my babies. All I knew was I needed to keep them safe. Not sure why or how. I just did. And that’s what I did every day until the marriage ended.

I truly don’t know if this lasted 2 weeks or 3 months. I just know it happened every day like clockwork.

I’m here to say I’m alive. We made it through that time. It wasn’t easy it wasn’t fun and once my memory came back it was pretty close to hell on earth. But today we are alive and well and so so much better.

Sharing because you need to know. You need to know life can go on. Life can get better. And YOU are good enough. You will survive. And YOU can flourish in life. I’m so glad we escaped. Hang in there. And get someplace safe if this is you. Please call for help. You may not know why (I didn’t) but just get out and get help!

I ask the Lord to bless and protect each and every person that reads this. Please keep them safe.

Thankful for Unanswered Prayers

Many years ago I was in such a horrible place emotionally. We lived in a town next to the railroad tracks and this day I thought I just couldn't take it any more. I was in a horrible marriage with a man that wasn't the man I thought he was (he was actually worse than I knew at this point) and a drug addict (I didn't want to believe it) that was making it nearly impossible to pay our bills or keep our apartment. We had recently lost our house and cars and I just didn't think it was worth another day.

I walked along those railroad tracks praying for a train to come. It never came and I finally went back home to my babies. So glad that train never came. My babies needed me even more than I knew at the time. Please remember you aren't alone. We have all had horrible days that you may never know about. I've never told anyone, until now, how bad it was that day. How truly dead I felt.

So glad that God doesn't always answer prayers. Especially ones like this. Kiss those kids one more time and know that He is watching and is there even if he doesn't answer right away.

🙏🏻Praying that this reminds you that you are loved and that it touches your heart.🙏🏻